Piranha on water slides. Fuck yeah.
Sensible if outlandish plot? Fully realized characters? Great FX gags?
Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Who needs those things, when you could simply throw a bunch of nonsense together with a few wildcard celebrities and a bunch of nudity? Not me, that’s who!
The fish jokes just keep coming. Get it? GET IT?
In all honesty, yours truly was mighty disappointed with Piranha 3DD once it became clear that the picture was not going to share the same quality stratosphere as its Alexandre Aja-directed predecessor. I had expected more from the bad-taste-fest creator of Feast, John Gulager too – but alas, the script is garbage and there is truly very little for cast and crew to do except set up the next fish-attack scenario. It’s been a year since the first film, and a disreputable man (David Koechner) plans to re-open his struggling water park… as an adult water park, much to the chagrin of his partner and stepdaughter (Danielle Panabaker). The piranha find their way underground into the park and people become fish food again – in gory ways. That’s the movie: Nude water frolicking + fishy-Armageddon.
Ving Rhames as "Cherry Darling". #notreally
Yet, as the film came upon one of its numerous sex jokes – an obvious, ridiculous, and ultimately hilarious take on “vagina dentata” – it suddenly hit me: Piranha 3DD is exactly what I want all of those terrible Sy-Fy features to be: More nudity, less attempt at unbelievable detail, more R-rated gore. I don’t want these movies bothering me with boring details! I am completely willing to accept that 20-ish Maddy (Panabaker) – a failed marine biology student – is the one person in this tiny Arizona town who could figure out what’s going on. And fix it! I’m totally okay with Gary Busey listed as a ‘star’ even though he is in perhaps 60 seconds of the film (and utters mere words). I even love that Piranha 3DD‘s film quality fades in and out – whether it’s intentional or not – because combined with the nudity it makes me feel like I’m watching some naughty exploitation movie from the 70′s! Only less hairy…
So yes, Piranha 3DD is utter garbage. Even the intentionally-bad isn’t as good - David Hasselhoff is no Jerry O’Connell, and there’s no sweet young romance to root for this time around, it’s true. But it’s still fun garbage with lots and lots of nudity, fish-chomping shenanigans, and more bad-humor jokes than expected. Every couple of minutes, there’s a reference to some body part or bodily function.
The Hoff. Doing his thing. Whatever that is.
And I’m totally ok with this.
Because at the end of the day, when I watch horror movies about prehistoric piranha attacking en-masse a desert-bound, adult-themed water-park… I don’t want to remember the mind-bending plot or twisty characters. I want to remember the ridiculous ways in which hot, nude 20-year-olds had their faces eaten by crazy-ass, razor-teeth fish. I’m shallow that way.
So Bad It’s Good Drinking Game Ideas: Take a shot whenever Danielle Panabaker storms away pouting. Take a drink whenever Hasselhoff’s shown without his shirt. If the camera continues to focus on The Hoff’s jiggling, old-man boobs – continue drinking as long as there is jiggling. Take a drink whenever a person’s “private parts” are bitten (by anyone/thing).
Piranha 3DD is currently in theaters and is also available On-Demand (check your cable provider).
