Gores Truly is femme-driven but certainly not man-hating. Occasionally, we want to give our readers a chance to contribute to the horror-fest that we all adore - including those wielding the Y-Chromosome. The following article has been Murder-Her approved. Watch out! It’s an Invasion of the Y-Chromosome!
Chernobyl Diaries (2012) Review by Xerxes
Director: Bradley Parker
Writers: Oren Peli and Carey Van Dyke
Starring: Jesse McCartney, Jonathan Sadowski, Olivia Dudley, Nathan Phillips, and Dimitri Diatchenko
Let me begin by saying that no one enjoys a mindless B-rated horror movie as much as I do. Plausible plots, award-winning acting, and character depth are not things that I crave in my smut. High-budget films are just a crutch to avoid any real creativity or substance. Now with that being said lets sink our teeth into Chernobyl Diaries.
There were numerous reasons I was excited to see this film. Brad Parker is most well-known for his contributions of visual effects to Fight Club, Lake Placid, and Let Me In. However, Chernobyl Diaries is his first crack at a shot in the directors chair. So given his experience of working on some stellar films, my hopes were somewhat high, yet fair (one can never be too optimistic of modern-day horror, right?). Along with Sadowski (The Goods, Friday the 13th) and Dudley (Chillerama), we just might have ourselves a pimping good time, or at least a alcohol-induced one night stand.
What this picture does very well is paint a perfect backdrop and atmosphere for an incredible horror story. The scenery itself is creepy and skin crawling, especially if you are familiar with the tragedy that really occurred there. The story of Chernobyl has always fascinated me. I honestly couldn’t think of a better setting to tell a story of radioactive blood thirsty mutants. Unfortunately, there isn’t much else to this hour and twenty minutes of a great concept gone horribly wrong.
It’s your typical “kids traveling through a foreign country” story, filled with bad choices, and very little reason (which in most cases I’m 110% totally cool with, given it makes up for it in gore, humor, and gratuitous amounts of nudity). Chris (McCartney) is traveling through Mother Russia with his girlfriend Natalie (Dudley), brother Paul (Sadowski), and Amanda (Kelley). Chris plans to propose to Natalie when they are set to arrive in Moscow. However, Paul has the brilliant idea to talk everyone into an experience so brilliantly referred to as “Extreme Tourism.” Enter tour guide Yuri (Diatchenko), although Russian in real life, still comes off as a reject walk-on extra for Red Dawn (on a separate note, is it required by Russian law for your wardrobe to consist mainly of Adidas track suits???). So the gang hops in a busted up old bus with Yuri, along with other extreme tourists Michael (Phillips) and Zoe (Berdal), and sets sail towards the apocalyptic playground. Seems like a legit set up for mayhem right??? WRONG! After arriving in Chernobyl, by way of a back road which is never guarded for some reason, they decide to aimlessly wander around. As if there are lots to see of an area that was completely decimated by nuclear disaster (I know my dream vacation involves areas where I can be exposed to high levels of radiation, I’ve always wanted that extra appendage).
Now that I have painted the picture for you, I’m going to drop you on your head. Nothing to see here folks, go about your business. The next hour of this movie, I am fighting to keep my eyes open, if only to see some great make up EFX, brutal murder scene, or even a semi-good “one-liner.” All that ensues is wolves cast as mutant dogs, bad moaning mutant humanoids, a lot of running around in the dark, shady camera angles, and annoying screams (like those teeny-bopper girls at a Justin Bieber concert, not saying I’ve been to one). Before the movie can even have a climax, it’s over (bastard didn’t even buy me drink first). As most of my colleagues know, I will be the first person to run to a movie, no matter how bad the reviews are (hey… Showgirls was an instant classic). Unfortunately, for the Chernobyl Diaries and Mr. Brad Parker, the bad reviews were right. Hard to believe that someone who was involved in Fight Club thought this flick was a good idea. First rule of Fight Club is “Don’t attempt to make a Horror Movie”. However, don’t take my word for it, if you have an hour and twenty to spare and are looking for an alternative to root canals or sock laundry… head to the theaters. Or you can wait another 30 minutes and it will probably be on the USA network.
About the Author: Xerxes, the 6’6″ tattooed terror of the South. When he isn’t debating politics, religion, or the plague of humanity; he is preparing for the zombie apocalypse, playing with the latest technology, and building to his ever extensive music collection. Gore, violence, and nudity are the ingredients of his favorite entrée – garnished with a dash of humor and you have the perfect recipe for murder and mayhem!
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Knowing this cat since we were knee high, I already know to expect nothing but the best when it comes to B horror chat with him. But this review was gore-tastic! Two broken thumbs up my friend! Love the site btw, thanks for giving my boy a shot =)