Dark Skies (2013)

This is about as "scary" as it gets.

This is about as “scary” as it gets.

I’ve got nothing.  That about sums up my review of this timid little number, Dark Skies.  If you’re a serious minimalist – you can quit now.  For the rest of you, I’ll keep the rest of this brief because it’s not worth too much more in the way of dissection.

 and  star as Lacy and Daniel Barrett – a typical suburban American Mom & Dad in the present day, complete with white picket fence home and archetypal sons, Jesse and Sam ( and ). For no apparent reason whatsoever, the Barrett family becomes targeted by poltergeists.  Or at least, that’s what they assume due to the oh-so-obvious kitchen-rearrangement tactics the crafty aliens use as their opening salvo.   Not before too long, they start showing up in video footage as well as directly behind people now and then.  At least footage the family takes when they’re not standing out on their lawns in the middle of the night, drooling out of their contorted faces.

Hiding in closets should be scary too.  It isn't.

Hiding in closets should be scary too. It isn’t.

What do they do once they figure out they’re being . . . whatevered. . . by aliens?  Not too much.  They don’t call anyone except one guy (!) who runs a website about alien abduction (!!) – who happens to live within a day’s driving distance from Barrett’s (!!!).  Dark Skies is the kind of movie where scientists determine that three different migrations of birds all crashed into this one family’s house at the exact same moment. . . and then just go about the rest of their lives continuing the measure cow flatulence.  Or whatever the fuck movie scientists do when they’re not movie science-ing.  It’s also the kind of movie where everyone in the family has alien implants. . . but no one goes to see a doctor about them or even bothers to mention them to the super-smart science people.

Nope, Dark Skies is the kind of movie where the protagonists all scream “Stick Together!!” the second before they split into 2 groups. And then laughably regroup upstairs a moment later, each after fighting off their own mob of now-advancing aliens.  It’s that movie. The actors (including both boys) all try their hardest, but it’s the kind of movie where they not so much portraying the actual characters but playacting an all-too-obvious script.  It’s like a long, unfunny episode of Drunk History.  Without the drinking.  Or interesting history.

Even J.K. Simmons can't save Dark Skies.

Even J.K. Simmons can’t save Dark Skies.

Which is why it’s so damn frustrating.  It’s not like it’s very challenging to make a scary alien-abduction picture – people have been doing it for years now.  Heck, sometimes even the nice aliens can be terrifying!  But no. . . no. . . instead we get this uninspired, pointless yawn which goes exactly nowhere.  The handful of times the aliens actually appear onscreen are the only genuinely good (and scary) moments of this snoozer.  If this leaves you wanting more (and it will) – watch V/H/S/2. It contains a short that packs more terror into its 15 minutes than Dark Skies in its entirety (review coming soon to Gores Truly).  You’ll thank me.

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About De7en

Don't let the day job fool you, this computer consultant knows the Ooky Spooky. De7en was weaned by Jaws, suffered through puberty with Carrie, and tore into adulthood hand-in-glove with Freddy. From foreign frights and classic cuts to gallons of gore and more extreme fare, De7en is always ready to dig into something fresh.