Review: The Perfect House

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House hunting is never easy. Especially if you’re a young couple looking to buy your first home. But what makes it worse? When you end up touring a house with a history of murder, and also happen to have a super slutty real estate agent.

The Perfect House (2014) opens up with newlyweds Marisol and Mike who are excited to take a tour of a home that they’ve been watching and it’s recently dropped in price. As they arrive they realize that this deal is not worth buying. Although I appreciate what Director/Writer Kris Hulbert was trying to do with this film, it just did not work. Not on any level. The film cuts between Marisol and Mike’s tour of the home and past incidents at the house. Each incident gets slightly more violent, slightly more disturbing, but the unrelenting back and forth between past and present, coupled with sub-par or in some cases, absolutely horrid acting just make the entire film one jumbled, violent, and unnecessary mess.

The opening of the film shows one of the many murders that have taken place in the home. A neighbor invites the family next door over for dinner. He then proceeds to torture and kill the entire family. Why? Well, he thinks the daughter is a whore. So he ties her up in the bathroom, forces her to doll up, and then after a rabid stabbing session drowns her in a bathtub full of epsom salt. He forces one of the small children to murder his own brother for survival, but just ends up suffocating the other one anyways, while the mother makes a daring attempt to crawl to his rescue. She had to crawl you see, as her achilles tendons were sliced. And the dad gets his too. I guess he should have returned his neighbor’s garden tools.

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And then you have the black and white family of the 50’s. The mother is a foul-mouth maniac who hates her daughter (and assumed she’s sleeping with her father, valid or not). During a freak storm they all lock themselves in the basement and decide it’s a great time to solve the family quarrel with murder.

Oh, and there’s the rapey guy. He likes to lock people into cages. One person in particular, he’s had her for about five years and not only rapes her on a schedule – but forces her to watch his weekly torture of new victims. We even get the pleasure of watching one of them be tortured ourselves. He slices off their eye lids so they can’t turn away from his “masterpiece”. This was the only saving grace of the film – and whomever is part of that classic special effects team, you guys deserve any decent credit this film gets.

The plot, the acting, and the execution were all very cliché and over the top. None of it in a good way. I sat through the entire film hoping for a single iota of good cinematography. And all I got? Was a a whole bunch of my time wasted.

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About Meg

Blond, bold and brainy. Already scared aren’tcha? When Meg’s not book learnin’ or arguing the anatomy of zombies – shes probably in the ocean, watching star trek, or forcing everyone around her to endure horror moviethons. Bruce Campbell? Her personal demi-God. Costuming, comics, charity work, college and a kidlet take up most of her time. But seriously, who needs sleep when you’re training the future generation of nerd? With great power comes great responsibility…..or something.