In horror movies, what typically happens with a group of young oversexed kids get together in the middle of no-where to party? They all die horrible deaths at the hand of some deranged killer. And Jersey Shore Massacre is no different on this front. All of the characters perfectly fit the stereotypical slasher movie victim profiles. As expected, there is no shortage of T&A or blood to help carry this overly done plot and ridiculous acting through its 90-minute lifespan.
The movie starts off rather simply. A group of mobsters kill one another, someone else kills them, a big boobed chick watches gagged in terror and then? CUE UNDST UNDST MUSIC. This is how you win me over in the first three minutes. Pay attention movie makers.
But seriously the story of Jersey Shore Massacre revolves around a gaggle of orange skinned girls who are either single or ditch their guido boyfriends and head to jersey shore for a weekend of talking in really annoying pitches, drinking, dancing and whatever the hell young kids do these days.
Well I quickly found out whatever the hell entails cat fights, showing random stangers boobs and haggling with creepy as stoner rental landlords (that just happen to be Ron Jeremy). Nice. Anyways, the gals show up and find out their rental house has been rented to another group of gals and have to find a place to party last minute. Good old Uncle Vito to the rescue. One of the girls uncle’s happens to own a house in Jersey, and also happens to be on house arrest back in New York so? FREE CRASH SPACE! After unpacking and showing each other their “personal toys” they’re ready to get down to business when they run into a local name Edgar who wants them to eat his sausages. But sadly for Edgar their all “veterenarians”.Yeah…So since one local freaked them out what do they do next? Go hiking through the woods at night, in heels, with more creepy as locals. Great idea girls. Luckily they make it out alive and spend the rest of their weekend smoking, beating bitches, drinking and macking on muscular dudes at the beach.
And dying. But yay muscular douchebags on the beach?
There are some gory, short lived, yet glorious death scenes in this flick. Is it bad to admit I kind of enjoyed watching them get picked off one by one? Especially the guys. They more than earned it. Regardless I have to say the best death involved a belt sander,a tattoo removal session and a chainsaw necklace. I’ll just leave it at that. Okay maybe it was the death by dildo scene…BUT I DIGRESS.
So it’s no shock this movie is bad. Like…super bad. But it’s also so bad it’s good. The acting is just bad enough to make it silly. The scripting actually leads to a few laughs and the gore? Practical. And well done and tossed in just enough to make up for all the bad acting but not enough to make it a mindless splatter fest. And let’s not forget what makes Jersey Shore Massacre a good movie. It actually has nothing to do with the plot itself – it’s all the mini awesome backstories. Like the poor dad that is just trying to give his son a great weekend on the beach and is mauled by jelly fish, human feces and everything under the sun. Italian Ice. Or the movie being filmed within the movie itself – Fat Camp Massacre (yes an offending movie can have even more offending movies tucked right within it).
So to all my slasher film fanatics out there? You may want to give this one a try. Especially if you’re in the mood for something a little less serious and a lot of ridiculously bad fun.
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